MARCH 16, 2011
Today was supposed to be a big day for me and Sean... As we have been seeing a specialist doctor for the past month, today is when we will find the results whether we will be expecting or not. Our day started with our usual routine except that I took a pregnancy test prior to our appointment. hehe. I didn't want any suspense and wanted to be prepared when we see the doctor. I didn't tell Sean though that I'm testing since I wanted to surprise him just in case I get a positive result. But unfortunately, it was negative... Well, the test I did I guess wasn't so reliable anyway since I did it while the lights were off which means I didn't know if there were enough urine flowing on the stick nor was I holding it correctly. Lol. But it still bothered me and wondered why I got a negative result.. I was still hopeful though!
And so I met up with Sean at the Raffles Hospital lobby around 12pm... I wasn't actually planning to tell him that I took the test, but Idid anyway. I didn't want him to be disappointed just in case I wasn't really pregnant. When we went up to the women's centre, they immediately got my urine sample for possible pregnancy. And so the 'roller coaster' feeling started. I was excited, nervous and anxious... As usual, we waited for 1 1/2 hours before we got to see the doctor which added to the 'agony' of waiting for the truth! And so when we it was our turn to see the doctor, the result says it was false positive! The test had a very faint line that the doctor still need to interpret it for us. To clear things out, she wanted to take my blood test in order to get a more accurate and conclusive result. However, we have to wait for 2 more hours... Aarggh!!! I hate waiting!! Well, the thought of finding out that I was 'maybe' pregnant is giving me hopes and excitement.. A few more hours, and we'll find out..
While waiting, we ate lunch then went on our seperate ways... Sean has to go back to his office and I need to go to the embassy to get my passport... And so the waiting and the suspense still goes on until the nurse from the hospital called me... She said I had an early pregnancy loss.. :( I did got pregnant, but for some reason, it didn't continue. But the good news according to her is that I am capable of getting pregnant.. Almost there. - that was her exact words... I felt sad of course and I guess was amazed since yeah, I did get pregnant. Tears were flowing on my eyes while I was texting Sean... It's slowly sinking in that I was indeed pregnant.. but what happened? :( I was so down and so after getting my passport, I just went straight home...
When I was at home, I didn't have the energy nor the mood to do whatever.. I went straight though to my computer and googled on what happened... This early pregnancy loss is also known as a chemical pregnancy. It says that 50 to 60 percent of first time pregnancies are usually like this and most of the time, women weren't aware that they were pregnant. It's still a good thing as it signifies that pregnancy is possible and that subsequently, you can expect a healthy baby. While this may still sound a good news, it didn't give me any relief. :( It's because we've been waiting for 3 years already and the thought I was finally pregnant but didn't push through is just so painful. :( I guess I never saw it coming.. I wasn't just expecting that kind of result.. Maybe if the findings were just a negativepregnancy, it will be more bearable. I just feel so helpless... I can't even question what happened... I can't be even angry or what... :(
I didn't know that this will have a great effect on me... I feel like I lost someone special! I guess this is all part of it.. I just have to assure myself that this is all for the better and that God has better plans. I may not have the answers right now to all my questions, but I know I just have to trust him. Besides, there are millions of people who have bigger problems right now and I should still be thankful that I'm alright. Sean and I both are alright. I know I'll be fine... soon I hope!!!
